Today I shall write...

Today I shall write, with no definitive affirmation that I should ever write again although I look forward to doing the same with every minuscule attempt. I am probably not making sense at present but I am sure I will as and when this narration unfolds. While I am doing this, I shall focus my energy toward the personal self, what the self within me truly feels, only hoping that this attempt does not go unnoticed and futile. It must not be necessarily taken as an inspiration (the attempt to which, to my opinion must be avoided) but simply as an easy read, for I shall bear in mind that this piece of work must contain fewer complications. Therefore, I promise you a simple read but that it should be straightforward cannot be guaranteed. Today’s narration is an attempt to achieve something hazy and indefinite, yet a goal that ought to be accomplished to clear my conscience. Call it an idle mind or liberal uninterrupted thoughts; I can only hope that this one grabs your eye till the end.

Human mind is webbed amidst a closely entwined network of thoughts and feelings. There is no beginning or end to that, but there is definitely some substance that explains the purpose of its existence, in other words, the ‘how’ and ‘why’ behind such a traffic. To follow a structured pattern throughout to organize such a haphazard network is next to impossible for there are external factors that are in constant attempt to choke the uniformity, some of them including time, situation and reasoning. One cannot exactly slot such influences into one single category because these influences may or may not be related to one another. Talking about influences, there is another inevitable factor that enhances further entangling of thoughts: Relationships.

I don’t remember mother swaying me in her arms and telling me that she loves me; I always felt I was the neglected one, being the second child of the family. But I do remember her staying up for nights to ensure that I slept well, adding onions to potatoes just because I hated them plain, buying my favourite brand of edibles and clothing and at times, watching movies and sitcoms that I truly like. She has always been lenient and calm, yet her cool and reproachful attitude towards things she detests is a sight one would regret having witnessed. She worries, not to the extent of expressing them; she hates it when I spend more time with my friends and less with family members. She complains of my ill health and lack of immunity but keeps it to cribs and murmurs. Like every worried Indian mother, she fears that I may trip off the track and lose my sense of direction if I involve too much in peer activities and relations. But there are too many things that resist her fears and stand as a hindering obstacle between us: the generation gap and our obligations toward the roles that we play in our respective lives. As helpless as it leaves us, there is nothing that can be done to ease out things between the schematic mother-daughter relationships.

This is as much I care for maternal relations, as also other relations that I consider important. The word ‘maternal’ itself implies to very touching emotional aspects of nurture, love and care. Imagine when you have lived to this day where every moment of your life apart from your responsibilities and obligations, has been spent in nurturing a relation as tenderly as that of a mother and her child, the latter who grows to be an individual from a delicate infant. To this aspect of motherhood I empathize, but I must also point out aspects of it that often reflect in non-maternal relations for instance, friendship. For people who have witnessed profound emotions while sustaining a relationship as close friends, it is a fact that must not be overlooked. Relation is like a seed, it has to be nurtured; its sustenance has to be taken care of in order that it grows into a closely knitted one. This sprouts to what we term ‘unconditional affection’ between the people involved. However, such relations have weaknesses embedded within the strength and its essence. A delicate cord that it is, once snapped into exact half, takes greater time in either healing, or burying the past. The trouble hovering is the aftermath of such phases, a searing pain that resides in memories painful and even otherwise happy ones. So, no matter how hard you try to move on, one leg is stuck in the quicksand of past and the other dangling, struggling to live up to the future. You may either accept it or you may not; you are the mother and your once best friend, a child who either cares little or is not aware of the fact that you still care. Such is the tragedy behind your benevolence and your futile affection that is unseen, unheard and perhaps, even uncared for…

Good deed

Something stimulated my humble mind to do a good deed today. The usual college crowd encompassed the tiny juice stall to imbibe refreshments. Adjacent to the stall, the bakers’ corner peered at us while I along with few other friends chatted over cold coffee and fresh lime. The street seemed to be partly occupied by two huge vans surrounded by few dozen, probably preparing for an endorsement shoot (from what we could see, there were young boys in ‘undies’ walking across the street). There was nothing much that we could truly admire about the shoot set up and therefore we switched topics. On their usual time, the begging toddlers came around to grab a couple of coins for some food. One of them jumped and fell at our feet, danced till we got irritated and handed over a penny to him. But he wouldn’t stop! He evidently wanted more. He danced and jumped till he tripped only to injure himself. There was slight irritation in his tone when he groaned. He sat next to the bakers’ to gulp air through his mouth. His body had finally succumbed to fatigue and exhaustion. One of my friends offered him a glass of lime juice. He drank, took tiny sips; but something about his face told me that wasn’t what he wanted at that moment. He was hungry, to be precise, famished with hunger.
The wound on his leg caught my eye. There was an awful mixture of semi-solid pus and blood oozing down his leg. His face grew frail with pain and he could no longer bear it.
“Is it paining bad?” I asked
“Yes”
“When did this happen?” I asked.
“Five days back” he moaned.
I poured water over his wound and asked him to wipe it with the cloth he was holding. But that wasn’t enough. He was badly bruised at several other areas on his leg, previously acquired on bumping into a bike. I rushed to the medical stores to purchase an antiseptic cream and handed it over to the boy.
“Keep it, don’t throw it away” I said. He nodded.
“You seem to be hungry”
“Since morning”
Without giving it much of a thought I brought a packet of biscuits for him. Some of the other girls seemed to have sympathized with him too, because when I returned, he had a small pack of cake in his hand.
“You turned lucky today” I said, giving him the packet.
“Thank you” he said, in the best possible way that he could.
“Anytime” I said with a smile.

Too 'weak' to give it a title....

I kept changing sides, eyes spitting fire each time I opened them. The pepper patch on my right hand was receiving continual shooting throbs, amplifying with every passing hour. The sensation glorified irritation in extreme levels and sleep became my biggest enemy. There was no chance that it could even intend to conquer my consciousness. The vicinity was dozing in ease and here I was, struggling to persuade sleep to walk into my arms…
As much as I have virtually experienced the painful journey of a rock climber in accomplishing his dreams, I have in reality an equally painful experience with health. My quest for attaining a healthy lifestyle seems to be an impossible dream (optimism at its best LOL). Imagine warming up for elementary preparations to invade the highest possible peak of the nation! Exactly the feeling I get when I am asked to drink loads of water to flush out the toxins touring my body. It is envious to see my brother effortlessly gulping down thrice the same quantity. It is almost like yearning to play yanni's 'nostalgia' symphony without notes!

There can never be a proper inference to something as gibberish as this. Consider it a haphazard termination or the limited capability of an ailing personality to write better..

The unsaid goodbye

It feels so good to be back on the writing desk with a major writers block, knowing not what to write on the first place. Let me commence with a tiny yet a remarkable event that happened a little less than two weeks time. It was a proper summer evening and I was returning home from a five day camp, one of the best things ever to happen in seventeen years of my life. The eight wheeler made its first ‘see-off’ halt at CBD where a dear friend got down with a parting speech. Being her usual self, she passed some cheerful comments but also attached a note of apology if she had ever been mean to anyone. Like most of us, even she believed that this camp framed major ‘Kodak’ moments of her life. We roared the best possible farewell, thoroughly in favour of her thanksgiving. The best possible memories of the camp were right there in that bus with twenty nine other people parting in unison.
It was my turn to say goodbye, but before I could prepare myself for a parting speech, the bus halted at my destination. Home was yet miles away for others and they were busy laughing over queer confessions. It dawned upon me that there was hardly any time to thank, not just everyone, but even those with whom I had bonded oh so well! The bus gave a big jerk with which I was left with just once choice, convey all that I had to in just one single word ‘GOODBYE’, and I did just that. Despite the greatest possible strain on my voice-box, it was a silent farewell, an unsaid goodbye. However, I was granted the same warmth and joy that my friend had previously taken home. Nothing could stop me from smiling that entire night. With numerous smiles and songs that aided us through struggle and sorrow, I now have with me an integrated cry of farewell that stands above all those happy moments I shared with everyone. Above all stands the power of words, no matter how meagre or few, they have a generous impact if spoken straight from the heart.

Frustration at its peak

One of the things I am sure people would love to abolish forever from their lives; an irrevocable phase of prolonged frustration doing the rounds till it naturally wears off. But the tale doesn’t end there. The core of frustration could be anything, lack of jobs, excessive workload, study pressure, family problems, and social conflicts to name a few. One of the most severely doped cases of frustration is the torrential threat of unemployment, basically referring to no proper commitment to external work. A recessional phase as such where people are being royally kicked out of jobs is a sad sight in this era. Possible reasons could be boredom, an ingenious seductress tempting multitudes of unemployed candidates with inundated time and leisure. The most unfortunate consequence of boredom is that it sticks to us, initially as an unwanted guest and later, becomes an addiction. People smitten by lack of work find it extremely tedious to come out of it, partly finding safety in its shell. The secondary symptom of frustration is desperation which is purely psychological, reason being a frustrated soul is bereft of taking proper actions to eradicate his problems, let alone finding alternatives to keep the mind occupied. Free hours often stimulates the ‘devil’s workshop’ to rotate the wheels of pessimism at full force. This is what makes us think that nothing can be done in life; at least till we find something that captivates our interests.

The power of sacrifice

Some of the greatest classics ever to be portrayed on the silver screen moved me to tears yesterday. I do believe that words have a penetrating impact on people who are vulnerable to sentiments but, to get carried away by something you have known for years is a rare sight. Passion of the Christ had a language of its own, the language of sacrifice. Although major portions of the movie highlighted blazing torture and blind faith, there were soft, reverberating words filled with love and selflessness toward mankind. Jesus of Nazareth was tarnished with guile accusations of breaking temple laws for which he was expected to pay the price of mortality. Therefore Jesus, ‘The lamb of God’ wholeheartedly accepted His commands and embraced death as a gift of Paradise. He was no philosopher or priest of a higher order, but the benevolent son of God who resisted every element of sabotage to spread His loving message. Every bit of bread served at the last supper was a part of his preaching to his followers, the humble yet scintillating power of sacrifice. Every ounce of blood squeezed out of his battered flesh integrated to form a river of forfeit and tolerance. He was crucified in incarcerating darkness, only to be resurrected in enlightenment.
The milking tenderness of self sacrifice indeed breaks worldly barriers and limitations, opening several windows to a season of pure heartedness and peace. It is one of those qualities that tangibly defines humaneness in itself or, the epitome of humanity that rules all other qualities that escort us to Him. It is believed that a person, who procures the quality of being selfless throughout his life, finally finds his place in serenity intervened by fleeting activities of mankind.

The Jewel of faith and hope

Wish I could call this a fictitious miracle, until it chose to show up in real life, that too in front of my eyes!

Having retrieved my knowledge of Christ’s resurrection at Mt Mary’s church, I walked past the pathway leading to the main entrance of the Holy abode to get to the other side. I climbed the spiral stairs of an open church that escorted me to a bigger version of the Crucified saint. A wave of remorse swept through my mind when I realized that I had offered all my candles to the main cathedral where one is bereaved of lighting any within the church premises. I quietly put forth silent prayers and rushed downstairs to join my friends at the end of the lane. A partly molten candle grabbed my attention for few peaceful moments, the meager time period that allowed me to take up a very sincere yet precious decision. I finally had a chance to light a candle as per my wishes.
I lit the candle at one end of the open church. I was tad unsure of its consistency for the wind blowing northwards had a violent rush that could easily defeat the tiny source of light. I cupped the flame with my palms to ensure that it keeps burning. The candle constantly kept me on my toes with its flickering and fluctuating flame. The wind grew strong all of a sudden, blinding my vision completely with cluster of dust particles encircling, rising above the ground. I was amazed at my own determination of protecting the candle from the powerful gush of air; this was one of the moments when I could feel the presence of continual faith and hope. I found myself profoundly concentrating on two things that mattered to me the most at the moment; the flame and the crucifix that I felt deserved such humble offering. To my own surprise, the candle continued to burn with brief periods of weakness and alternate spurting of tall thick aglow. I stayed there for what seemed to be really long in accordance to my watch; all focus diverted from the flame to reality. At the spur of moment, I was barely aware of the fact that all this time I was guarding the candle from the destructive winds. Eventually, one hasty move from the candle diminished all the faith and hope embedded within the flame. Ultimately, the gleaming epicenter of light lost power to natures roar.